Making Grandmothers...

This past month my Mother has had the honor of babysitting the daughter of my brothers girlfriend, and today a family friend is visiting, unexpectedly, with her newborn granddaughter.  My mother is fawning.  I admit it was such a pleasure to be around little JJ earlier this month, she's 2 and full of energy and just fabulous, and this little baby here today is very petite and beautiful...and again, my mother is beside herself.  There have been times in the past where my mother has flopped down on the couch, exasperated, saying "I want some grandchildren".  I feel bad, and I understand...and, for me, I can honestly say it's my fault that I haven't had any children. I can't keep a man long enough to even be interested in continuing on with me for longer than 6 months.  It's me.  I'm too needy, or too future focused, too-something, but clearly not nearly enough everything.

This morning my brother, mother and I were having a conversation about ugly, mean people who are alone.  I expressed that I liked being alone, and I'm not mean or bitter, or ugly- then my brother said "you enjoy being alone, that is what you prefer and so no, you're not bitter...but the people who want other people around but don't have them around because they are generally ugly and mean, are bitter because of that".

Hmmm, what does that make me? I wish the one I love hadn't left me, then I wouldn't have to pretend to love being alone again. It's hard to know that he doesn't think of me anymore.  My dreams of blue wedding gowns and beautiful babies have stopped.